Yes, I understand that you have found the love of your life. The one that makes your heart skip a beat. The one that takes you as you are. Romeo has found Juliet and wishes to live happily after. Isn't that the dream for every couple, living happily ever after? But the reality can be just far fetched if you picked the box that says 'In-Laws from Hell'. Wait a minute, haven't you given it a thought yet? O! You didn't think it would just be the two of you now, did you?

Ok, let me break it down a little. Marriage is the bringing together of two families NOT TWO PEOPLE - So, I'm saying Juliet's Sisters, Brothers, Aunts, Uncles, Parents, Bingo the dog and Tiger the cat. Then on the other hand, the all-knowing Romeo's mother, maybe the quiet father (if you are lucky) and the spoilt brat only sister, who might be hell bent on teaching you her Brother's likes and dislikes, you couldn't have forgotten they have lived there lives together for twenty odd years before you 'rudely' interrupted, would you?

I'd be honest with you, as a young girl and I mean way young before marriage. I also had one of those 'silly prayers' when you kinda like tell DA LORD to not let you have in-laws by the time you are tying the knot. Well, you can't blame me in a way, I have heard enough nightmarish stories that have me sleepless nights.

Pheeeeew! Lucky me, they weren't cousins with the devil after all, so had to go back and say new set of prayers (just so you know, it is utter rubbish to wish anybody ill and even if you declare a dry fast and pray them dead, zilch will happen - God is bigger than that)

So, bearing in mind 'the crowd you are married to' and the challenges it could cause if not properly managed, I found a well put together article by Munira Lecovic-Ezzeldine So, enjoy and be blessed as I wish you nothing but a fantastic HOME.

Many couples struggle with exactly how to mesh two families together while maintaining their independence as a couple.  When a couple gets married, an extended family is created as well as the beginnings of a new family that the couple will create between the two of them.  With each family comes its own values, and with every new couple a new, often unique set of traditions and memories will also develop.  An initial hurdle that couples are faced with is the role their in-laws will play in their lives. Couples must move from a dependent relationship with parents to an interdependent relationship with their spouse.

In order for this shift to happen, couples need to set boundaries and limits with their parents in the early stages of the marriage in order to eliminate interference. Establishing clear boundaries is not easy and, like marriage, it can require constant attention.  Even when boundaries are created, families may not always want to abide by the boundaries, so couples must learn to reinforce the boundaries they want and negotiate new ones.

The process of creating a new family is challenging for a new couple, but ultimately it brings the couple closer together and it brings more peace to everyone’s lives. Before marriage, couples need to negotiate the role they envision their in-laws having in their lives. Making assumptions that you have the same vision will only lead to surprises and resentment. Setting boundaries as a couple is a way to protect your marriage early on and the communication it requires will insulate you from outside problems creeping into the marriage.

BOUNDARIES THAT CAN BE SET WITH IN-LAWS include;

Seeking advice
Exchanging money
Frequency of visits
Phone calls
Vacations
Raising children
Gossip.


Boundaries for every couple will be different and they will need to choose what the most pressing matters are that need to be addressed in their family.  Couples can resolve any issues that arise by setting new limits or by simply adapting to the expectation.

•Couples sometimes unknowingly place their parents in the middle of their relationship by telling them everything or by running to them at the first signs of problems in the marriage.

• A new couple needs to depend on one another and to make decisions as a team. This requires that couples communicate with one another and if disagreements ensue, they resolve them together rather than bringing in their parents to “referee.”  This is especially vital at the beginning of the marriage because it will solidify the unification of the couple and encourage them to problem solve together as they establish their own family.

•Couples should not share problems with parents because most parents will generally take the side of their child. Couples should clearly communicate with each other what they will share with parents and what is best left between them.  They should remain loyal to each other and remember that the marital relationship must come first in each other’s lives as they strive to create their own family.

•Each spouse is responsible for protecting their spouse, even toward their respective parents.  They are your garments and you are their garments. Like our clothing, spouses must protect each other by not allowing anyone to speak ill of their spouse.  This clearly demonstrates to the parents that the couple is a unit that cannot be split.

•The couple should also make clear to their respective parents that there are no secrets between the couple, so whatever is said to one is free to be shared with the other. Negative comments made about one’s spouse must not be tolerated and parents must get the impression that their child’s spouse will always be respected, even in his or her absence.  Even if in the presence of in-laws, the spouse being attacked cannot be left to defend himself or herself. This is the role of the child of those parents. The person with the primary relationship to the parent needs to make clear the boundaries and uphold them.

• Problems will arise in the marriage if a spouse is pulled to side with their parents against the spouse. The reverse is also true: spouses must never degrade their in-laws to their spouses as this will cause a fracture to develop where a spouse is caught in the middle between parents and spouse.

• Couples must always remember to be gracious and kind to their parents as they assert their independence as adults.

•Newly married couples need space, both physically and emotionally, to nurture their blossoming relationship.

•Unexpected visits by in-laws may be intrusive to the couple so boundaries of when in-laws will visit must be made clear early on in the marriage. How often couples will visit the in-laws will also need to be discussed by the couple.  This would include both how often and for how long so that the couple is not overly burdened and so that all their free time is not spent with in-laws. 

•In cases where in-laws live with the couple in the same home, more specific boundaries will need to be set, such as a particular time and place everyday that will exclusively be for the couple to spend time together. Setting a limit that preserves privacy for the couple also reinforces the importance of time spent alone as a couple and allows intimacy to build between the couple.

•Interference from in-laws can come in subtle ways which can threaten the marital relationship. 

• Conflicts over money can arise when in-laws lend money to a new couple with subtle expectations attached, like visiting more often couched with reminders about the help they’ve given.  Money could be a subtle way of controlling a couple’s emerging autonomy. 

•Childrearing advice could be well intentioned, but the couple as new parents is most vulnerable to criticism and advice from in-laws.  Advice that makes the couple feel incompetent is unproductive and it does not allow the couple to determine how they want to raise their own children or build confidence in their ability to raise a family. These subtle ways of interfering can cause divisions in a marriage if boundaries are not created by the couple and problems are not addressed immediately.

So how does a couple set boundaries with overly intrusive in-laws, especially if one spouse does not think there is a problem?  This conflict can only be resolved if the couple works to grow closer to each other in their marriage.  One pathway to this is by developing open communication and honesty with regard to the interference of the in-laws. Only after gaining a spouse’s loyalty will the issue become a priority over the interests of parents.  This can be very difficult if the parents make their child feel guilty for doing so and often a spouse does not have the courage to be assertive with their own parents. In order to confront parents about destructive behavior, the spouse must first recognize that the interference is not “normal” behavior and can in fact be damaging.

If someone has been raised in a family that is controlling and manipulative, manipulative behavior may have become normalized, making it very difficult for the spouse to identify this behavior as destructive.  Once a spouse is able to recognize that the interference is a problem and threat to the marriage, the next step is to develop the courage to confront their parents.  In some cases, this may only be possible through counseling or education. A lack of assertiveness with parents is a typical struggle most young men and women encounter and it is even more difficult if the parents are controlling and manipulative. Maintaining respect for problematic in-laws is essential even though it will not be easy. Spouses should not respond to hurtful words and actions in equally hurtful ways.
Limiting the influence of in-laws on the marriage and children is vital if the in-laws are destructive to the marriage.

Boundaries are ways of preserving a family and those limits must be decided upon by the couple. A new couple struggles to develop loyalty and a new bond with one another and this can be easily fractured if in-laws interfere aggressively.


In-laws who seek to have healthy relationships with their adult children and their children’s spouses will respect boundaries established by the couple and will do everything they can to help the couple be independent.  The adult relationship between parents and spouses will always evolve and improve with time if family members are open and honest about their feelings and expectations. Communicating and understanding the roles everyone holds in the new family will bring peace to families and help build the bonds that create new memories.


(And, this is from me to you - DO NOT BE A DAUGHTER OR SON IN-LAW FROM HELL TOO)

Courtesy of mayoclinic.com

Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, but an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. Understand how a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Few marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity. Money worries, health issues and disagreements about children can strain a relationship — but infidelity undermines the foundation of marriage itself.

Divorce isn't necessarily inevitable after infidelity, however. With time to heal and a mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some couples can emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more intimate relationship.

Defining infidelity

Infidelity isn't a single, clearly defined situation — and what's considered infidelity varies among couples and even between partners in a relationship. For example, is an emotional connection without physical intimacy considered infidelity? What about online relationships?

Keep in mind that affairs are largely fantasies. The person outside of the marriage is often idealized and seen as an escape from real problems.

Why affairs happen

Many factors can contribute to infidelity, some of which aren't fundamentally about sex. Some factors stem from individual problems, such as low self-esteem, alcoholism or sexual addiction. Marital problems that have been building for years can also fuel an affair. Generally, a person who's having an affair:

• Experiences sexual attraction to someone other than his or her partner and decides to act on this feeling rather than suppress it
• Keeps the affair going in secret by resorting to lies and deception
• Confides in someone other than his or her partner about his or her marital problems
• Feels a stronger emotional connection in a romantic way to someone other than his or her marital partner
• Develops unrealistic fantasies about someone other than his or her partner, and doesn't listen to information to the contrary

Discovering an affair

The initial discovery of an affair usually triggers powerful emotions for both partners — shock, rage, betrayal, shame, depression, guilt, remorse. At this point, it's important to proceed with caution:

• Don't make rash decisions. If you think you might physically hurt yourself or someone else, seek professional help immediately.
• Give each other space. The discovery of an affair can be intense. You might find yourself acting erratically or unlike yourself as you attempt to grasp what has happened. Take a "timeout" when emotions are running high.
• Seek support. Share your feelings with trusted friends or loved ones, or talk to a spiritual leader or counselor. Objective, nonjudgmental support can help you process what you're feeling.
• Take your time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair right away. While you might share simple facts upfront, consider waiting to discuss more-complex issues — such as motivation — until you're further along in the healing process.

Mending a broken marriage

Recovering from an affair is a difficult and lengthy process. Still, it's possible for a marriage to survive — and even improve — after an affair. Consider these steps to promote healing:

• Don't decide. Before choosing to continue or end your marriage, take the time to heal and understand what was behind the affair. Learn the lessons that might prevent future problems.
• Be accountable. If you were unfaithful, take responsibility for your actions. End the affair, and stop all interaction or communication with the person. If the affair involved a co-worker, limit contact strictly to business, or get another job.
• Be honest. Once the initial shock is over, discuss what happened openly and honestly — no matter how difficult talking or hearing about the affair might be.
• Consider shared goals. It might take time to sort out what's happened and to consider whether your relationship can heal. If you share a goal of reconciliation, realize that healing the marriage will take time, energy and commitment.
• Consult a marriage counselor. Seek help from a licensed therapist who is specifically trained in marital therapy and experienced in dealing with infidelity. Marriage counseling can help you put the affair into perspective, identify issues that might have contributed to the affair, learn how to rebuild and strengthen your relationship, and avoid divorce — if that's the mutual goal. Consider asking your counselor to recommend reading material on the subject, too.
• Restore trust. Go to counseling together to confirm your commitment to the marriage and to prevent secrecy from continuing to erode your relationship. If you were unfaithful, you might be anxious to put the affair behind you and move forward — but it's important to let your partner set his or her own timetable for recovery.
• Forgive. Infidelity is emotionally devastating. Forgiveness isn't likely to come quickly or easily, but it can become easier over time. Keep in mind that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or discounting what happened.

Moving forward

Not every marriage affected by infidelity can — or should — be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done or reconciliation remains elusive.

If you do choose to rebuild your marriage, focus on rebuilding trust. Talk about your fears with your partner — whether you're afraid of being betrayed or never being trusted again. Share your feelings, listen to each other and reset your marital boundaries.

If both of you are committed to rebuilding your relationship and you have the strength and determination for the task, the reward can be a partnership that grows in depth, honesty and intimacy.

Article by http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infidelity/MH00110/NSECTIONGROUP=2

O wow! This is more of a 'shocker' to me than anything. Could it be because I'm naive, so certain things happen around me and I know nothing of them until they are spelt out?

Well, I do know of married men engaging in Extra-Marital Affairs. Yes, I'm aware of that fact and how the society wants us to accept in a way that 'Men will be Men', that there needs are insatiable - utter nonsense.

Our society or/and culture sometimes, wants to automatically cast the blame on women whose husbands are cheating on them. Thinking, it must be something she has not done right. She must have pushed him away. Too fat, too skinny, nag et al (A discussion for another day)

Yeah! I was shocked at my findings about Married Women having Extra-Marital Affairs. Even more shocked after having a long discussion with a Male Friend who was kind enough to open my eyes to the fact that, it is now commonplace for Married Women to engage in such. He further told me, he, (that is my male friend) wouldn't be phased by any woman's wedding ring. If he liked a girl, his worries will not be whether she is married or not. It will just simply be, I like her and if she wants to 'get it on' so be it (PoPoPo! The world has gone bunkers) Get it on with a married woman??? Please, somebody slap me!

Just when I thought my friend was having a laugh, I then decided to ask around and do some research online - o well by this time, I had to crack the window open for some fresh air (not one, not two women confessed to the fact that 'I AM A MARRIED WOMAN AND I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR)

This is TRUE. It is really on the rise. And apart from those women having 'issues' in their homes, there were a few who just 'fell' into it (fell?), there were some that just got bored of the marriage and just wanted something fresh and young. I got scared a bit, it's like it could happen to anybody (so I did the African hand-over-head-God-Forbid-sign)

And please don't get me wrong, I also think it ridiculous for a married man to be having an affairs, but like I said, the Married Women Affairs was over my head.

After asking questions, reading articles, real life stories and the long conversation with my friend -

1. I thought to myself if it can happen to 'anybody' I better keep guarding my heart and don't put myself in a vulnerable position in order not to create an ugly situation.

2. I would be more open with my partner about how I feel on issues and our home generally before we ever get to 'that' place.

Questions - did you know about The Women Affairs? As a man what advise do you have for women? Women, what are you doing to help yourself from 'falling'? what maybe you'd like to share your own experience. Looking forward to your contribution. ;)

Ok, I need a drink! - Bunmi Olabode.

So longing to hear your voice. The voice came through. The heart skipped a beat. Butterflies in the stomach, got sick, Doctor says it's 'Love Fever' - (that's a good disease and never want to get healed)

Love is in the air. The calls into the nights. Texts. Emails. Movies. The I love yous, I miss yous, I want yous and the almighty

'I don't think I can ever live without you'.

(That indeed was how they both felt)

Isabelle and Kamar were crazily in love with each other. Met in High school. Had a lot in common and wouldn't want to leave each others presence.

Was it love at first sight? Second or Third? It didn't matter anymore, they were just glad to have found each other and to be sharing precious moments together.

Kamar thought himself lucky to have found such an endearing lady. Different from others. A wife material.

Isabelle was head over hills too with this young, handsome man who has made her pay no attention to none other but him.

There were butterflies here, there and everywhere.

Eyes locked on to hers. Trembling hands. Heart beating fast. "Have my babies", he says. Be mine. I love you Isabelle, I always have and always will. Please, will you make my life better by being my wife?.... She almost choked on her tears but managed to say the most beautiful word he wanted to hear - YES.

The butterflies went crazy. Popping here there and everywhere. Especially on the Weddind Day and still fluttering, well, a bit into their 2ND ANNIVERSARY.

Where did Butterflies go? - Diaper changing, burping, nursery drop-off, work, cooking, cleaning and all the inbetweens has surely set a different tone. Kamar, spending more and more time with his pals, the remote control and loads of nap time. While Isabelle's mood swings, screaming, banging and coldness in bed doesn't help matter too.

Definitely, something is amiss. She even played with the thought of 'Another woman.' - There was and is no other woman, I am just sick and tired of your nagging and not the FRIENDS we used to be, Kamar says. What happened to us, she says? You don't call or text me anymore once you are out of the door. I can't remember the last time you paid me a compliment. I know I'm your wife but I really don't want sex all the time, I could do with the holding of hands, the kisses, cuddles, pet names.

Kamar cut in gently holding her hands. Isabelle, I'm sorry I made you feel unwanted. I really am, here I was thinking you didn't love me anymore and wanted out.

Pop! Pop!! Pop!!! Goes the Butterflies, they didnt go anywhere after all, they were just resting their heads.

Sometimes, all we need do is give those Butterflies a tickle. I do hope you enjoyed and learnt from the story as much as I did - written by Bunmi Olabode

(Pic from PositivelyPresent)

THE OTHER WOMAN: Written by Lyze Bamigbola-Silas - “The Other Woman”
These are some valuable lessons wives/ ladies could learn from “The Other Woman” when it comes to taking care of their men.

Mistresses Initiate Sexual Contact
Yes, the man is the pursuer, a hunter. When a wife pursues her husband sexually, however, it proves to him that she finds him attractive and desirable. It seems husbands enjoy being found attractive and desirable at least as much as their wives do.

Mistresses Are Nice
It sounds corny, but a little kindness goes a long way. Big and tough they may be, men appreciate kind words and consideration. The more brutalized a man is out in the world, the more necessary it is for him to be treated with dignity at home. Terms of endearment, such as “Honey” or “Sweetie,” a pleasant tone of voice, or basic manners – saying “Please” and “Thank you” affirm a person’s humanity.

Mistresses Show Interest In A Man’s Hobbies
Many extramarital affairs begin harmlessly enough over shared hobbies. While on his daily run, he bumps into her on the track. An avid reader, he joins a book club, where she happens to be a member.
If your man enjoys football, try taking time to learn the game. If he fishes, subscribe to a fishing magazine and commit to reading an article or two a week. Investing in his hobbies can provide more common ground and an opportunity to grow closer.

Mistresses Seek Out A Man’s Opinion
Is there an area your man knows a lot about? Solicit his opinion and listen to what he has to say. I have a friend who follows local politics very closely. The lady consistently asks him to explain his position on various issues. She is very smart and has her own opinions, yet makes a point to ask her husband anyway because she is genuinely interested in his perspective.
Mistresses Feed “Their” Men
In many households, microwave meals are the order of the day for husband and wife alike. If this is true for you and your guy, make hubby something nice once in a while. If you don’t cook, make him a sandwich, or buy him his favorite dish and bring it home to surprise him. The content may not be as important as the gesture.

Mistresses Affirm Men
At a marriage retreat I attended a few years back, the main speaker encouraged wives give out what she called “Attaboys” on a regular basis as in “Attaboy Mykel! You took out the trash!). Every husband in the room applauded his approval. Giving a man accolades for a job well done, or a simple task he did on your behalf, shows him that you appreciate his efforts. Accolades encourage repeat behavior. Repeat behavior makes for welcome habits. Everybody wins.

Mistresses Know When To Shut Up
Giving your man quiet time – especially at the end of a busy day allows him (and you) to decompress. During the course of your relationship, establish together how much is a reasonable amount of time for him (and you) to recharge. Do your best to respect that time.
Resist complaining to him about things he can do nothing about. Not everything you think as a woman needs to be said out loud to your husband. Do the bulk of your complaining to God. He knows, understands, and is able to affect change when your husband doesn’t, won’t , or can’t. If you need to vent to or unload upon another human being, call or meet with a trusted girlfriend, and give your man’s ears a break.

Mistresses Wear Sexy Undies
Yes, granny panties are extremely comfy – but your man does not want to sleep with his nana. Invest in one or two sexy outfits and make a point to wear them to bed periodically.

Mistresses Know What’s Going On At Work
I am always surprised by how many women have no idea what their men face professionally. For better or for worse, many men define themselves according to what they do for a living. Wives should know how that part of their man’s life is progressing, if for no other reason than to intercede effectively on his behalf.
Mistresses (Sometimes) Buy Gifts
A token gift, a handwritten note, or even a phone call says, “I’m thinking about you.” Who doesn’t like to “hear” that?

Mistresses (Occasionally) Pick Up The Check
It is more than okay to take your man on a date from time to time and pay for everything. If you’re like most couples, the money comes from a joint account anyway. The gesture, however, is no less sweet. If you pay from your own account or allowance, then so much the better.

Mistresses Ask For And Give Oral Sex
For many Christians/Muslims oral sex is strictly taboo. There are as many biblically-based opinions on the matter as there are Christians/Muslims. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, consider reading Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by noted Christian author, Dr. Kevin Leman. Well researched and humorously candid, I found it pleasantly surprising.

Mistresses Invest In Their Appearance
Between carpooling, grocery shopping, washing clothes, and wiping noses and/or butts, who has time for a shower, let alone a spa day? Know first hand how hard it can be to glam it up. Sometimes simply putting on a nicer pair of earrings (or any at all), choosing the t-shirt with fewer permanent stains, or painting on clear gloss, constitutes my investment for the day. The point is to put on something, or to do something for yourself that makes you feel more feminine, more beautiful, more confident. Baby steps in the right direction still get you there. Give yourself lots of grace as you go.

Mistresses Say Yes To Sex More Often
I’m shaking my head because as this is written, my man snoozes soundly in our bed – alone. I know what it is like to be too tired, too angry, too apathetic, too cranky, or too busy for sex. But consider this: Your man is your first ministry. To him, your “no” is a rejection. Persistent rejection can lead to his losing interest in asking you for sex altogether (Why should he bother if you’re just going to say “no” anyway?). A loss of interest in you can lead to his turning to someone else for validation. Not a pronouncement – just something to consider.

I hope this list proved to be as thought-provoking to read. It was not only interesting, but convicting for me to learn about the many ways in which mistresses affirm other women’s husbands. I definitely see areas where I can grow. If your marriage / relationship is in a secure enough place to do so, bring this list to your spouse’s attention and see what kind of feedback you get. Written by Lyze Bamigbola-Silas

Your journey is unique to you and you only. It is a 'ride' wired specifically to suit your calling. It is signed, sealed and delivered (you know like the song).

There is no other, who can walk the path like you would.

There is a map for the journey, that none else can read so well except you and your Maker. You cannot give the power therein to someone else. They won't understand the assignment like you and if they understand it, they sure cannot execute it (why would they anyway, it's not their path to walk, it's yours)

People might coach, mentor, counsel, motivate, inspire, push or teach you BUT, They still cannot embark on the journey on your behalf. This walk has to be done by YOU. All by yourself. So, while all the cheering and training is good. You must get up and get going (Dont forget the map behind, the manual and the 'Manufacture's Direct Line') - you are equipped to arrive on the other side with a song on your lips.

WARNING:
Many a thing will want to stand in your way. You just never know what might show up. It could be a friend, that family member, your lifestyle, shame, guilt or even fear of the unknown. Travel light my friend, so you can move the pebbles outta your way or jump, climb, skip as the need arises.

You must know one thing, this journey is not meant to kill you but empower you to live a fulfilled life while many lives get transformed in the process (Yep! That is a Win-Win Situation.)

You have to know who you are, what you are built for, where you are going (This will help you to NOT wander aimlessly.)

I'm sure you know the song >> Keep on moving, don't stop, no, keep on moving. Yep! No matter how slow, just focus. No matter what the distractions are, just focus.

You, Me and The whole world need you to be fulfilled - Bunmi Olabode. Thanks for reading!

(Pic from online)